Blowgies

I normally love award shows. I take the Emmys, the Golden Globes, the Oscars, and the Brits far more seriously than is normal. That said, I’ve not been able to get quite as excited about any Australian award shows. I’ll admit the ARIAs have improved a lot in the past few years, but the Logies are every bit as cringe inducing as they were the first time I watched.

I was on the bus to the Yarra Valley on a WINE QUEST yesterday and in order to distract Ames from her bus sickness the girls and I played a spirited round of Shag, Marry, or Kill. In a fit of unmitigated evil, spurred on by being made to choose between Jake Gylenhaal, Jude Law, and Tom Williams, I put forward a timely Logies related suggestion of Andrew O’Keefe, Eddie McGuire, and Rove McManus. Hee. The revolting amount of alcohol consumed after wards helped wash away the pain of CERTAIN PEOPLE admitting they’d sooner marry Eddie than shag Rove.

I had planned to post a Logies drinking game today to help y’all through the pain but as I’ve sadly spent much of the day today piecing together the events of yesterday, the very thought of sipping a drink everytime the camera cuts to this year’s Delta ‘n’ Poo, Bec Cartwright and Lleyton Hewitt, makes my stomach turn.

So, I’m going to try and capture the pain of The Logies blow by blow. God help me.

18.45: Mmm, Summerland. Have to enjoy a show where someone calls out “Limbo party!” and in the next scene the entire cast is in the backyard and there’s tiki torches, special limbo friendly outfits, and a free standing limbo pole which I now want. Realistic, hard hitting drama.

19.00: There’s a feature on Daryl Somers’ many Gold Logie wins on Channel 9. He has an exceptionally good “No! I won? What a shock! You like me, you really like me!” face. I hope to see someone look that faux-shocked to win tonight.

19.05: Lisa McCune: “Logie’s are very heavy and have a wide base.” Fascinating.

19.15: Good lord, the new Big Brother ads are so good that I’m actually getting excited about the new series. That said, I got excited about The X Factor and, wow, was that a let down.

19.30: Summerland ends its season with a huge cliffhanger! Oooh! This means it will never be scheduled again and I’ll never see which square jawed hunk Lori Loughlin chooses!

19.31: “The television event of 2005” is about to start in a very “special presentation”. Oh GOD. It’s being presented by Richard Wilkins. KILL ME. My best pal worked at the Logies a few years back and was highly amused when, after interviewing all the “stars”, Wilkins grabbed his photo ready partner and walked the red carpet twice after people didn’t cheer loudly enough the first time he strutted his stuff. Wanker.

19.32: “All white on the night” is apparently tonight’s theme. This has been emphasised by the traditional red carpet being replaced with a fluffy white carpet. My initial thought upon seeing the white carpet is “Wow, you wouldn’t want to spill red wine on that”. Clearly, I have some sort of problem.

19.36: Holly Brisley looks flawless. I can’t stand her but have to give her props for being a human Barbie doll.

19.37: A brief montage is shown of some arrivals and so far, no-one is looking too revolting or wearing anything outrageous which is seriously disappointing. A Maybelline make up artist is interviewed and spends the whole time plugging the entire Maybelline range and talking about working the Oscars with Salma. Ah, how the mighty have fallen.

19.47: VINCE. Oh, I love Vince Colosimo. I still fondly remember that great scene in The Secret Life of Us when his character, Rex, and Claudia Karvan’s character Alex ran into each other in the 7/11 on Fitzroy St, both realised that they were there to buy condoms on the way to their hot date, and Rex just grabbed Alex and they pashed in the middle of the shop. Realistic, adorable, and hot. He’s with his gorgeous partner Jane Hall who jokingly cracks it about him being too tight to buy her the stunning jewelery she’s wearing.

19.48: GRETEL. Sensory overload! Richard Wilkins says she “looks Vegas”. She says she wanted to look like a goddess (she does). He retorts that she looks like a Las Vegas goddess. She quickly says “Like Celine”. Love her.

19.50: There is a minuscule clip of Andrew G rocking up looking spunky in a rocking t-shirt –blazer combo. I anticipate getting an excited text from Ames any second at the sighting of her television boyfriend. Rebecca Harris and Catriona Rowntree get very excited about Rebecca’s remarkable feat of attending The Logies every year since 1992 even when she was heavily pregnant. Catriona comments on how skinny Rebecca is by remarking that she [sic] “Obviously gave birth via your head”. Right.

19.52: Finally! Stephanie McIntosh a.k.a. Skye Mangel or Jason Donavan’s half sister is shown wearing something tacky from The Mariah Carey Collection. It ain’t The Logies until someone turns up wearing something better suited to the Brownlow.

19.56: Mmmm, Tom Williams and Dicko lark around for the cameras. Tom Williams is just so handsome. Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll enliven the evening by taking his shirt off.

19.59: Comedian Adam Hills is interviewed and comments when asked about the co-operation between the networks (he’s backstage for the ABC) “I’m out the back in the dark where there’s no food. That’s the ABC for you.” He then makes a call for Tom Williams and Bec Cartwright to engage in a West Side Story style dance off. GENIUS.

20.05: AHHH. IAN THORPE’S HAIR. OH MY GOD. It looks like a seal died on his head. Ames calls and shrieks, “It looks like a skunk’s about to fall off his head!” We howl with laughter as he shows his head from different angles. If you missed the broadcast, the most powerful way I can express how bad this hair is, is to ask you to imagine a human Pepe LePew. That’s what Thorpey looks like. Is he trying to stop people speculating about his sexuality by having a hair style that no self respecting gay man would EVER wear?

20.07: Ames and I stop laughing, quickly discuss how Sonia Kruger seems to be lurking in the back ground every time Tom Williams is shown on screen, and she informs me that Stephanie McIntosh is dating an AFL player. That explains the Brownlow medal worthy outfit.

20.16: Bloody hell. Bec and Lleyton. At least we managed to get through 46 minutes before getting hit over the head with the special love of Bec and Lleyton. Lleyton’s hair is slicked within an inch of it’s life but I’m still so stunned by Ian Thorpe’s hair that I’ll give him a pass.

20.20: Ah, the white carpet special is over. Now the fun begins. There’s a fairly funny bit where the three hosts get summoned from the sets of their shows by Logie-phone and, obviously, Bert Newton is on the other end of the phone. Bert is always funny. Hopefully this show will be heavy on Bert. The hosts “fly” on Gold Logies around the sets of Neighbours, Desperate Housewives, through the credits to Enough Rope, and onto the set of The Price is Right where Larry Emdur is walking a contestant through the final showcase. I remember at last year’s Logies when many award recipients inexplicably thanked Larry. I wonder which B-list celbrity can be this year’s Logie token thank you.

20.24: Opening skit where the three hosts make “jokes” about network loyalties. Rove mentions that, with three hosts, the jokes will be three times as bad and the show will run three times as long. No one laughs, secretly terrified that he’s actually going to be right.

20.27: Opening monologue still going. Random jokes include one about Eddie going for the position of Pope (because Eddie McGuire has so many jobs! Ha ha ha!), mocking the ratings for Charles and Camilla’s wedding (the highest ever for an equestrian event! Because she looks like a horse! HAHAHAA.), Todd McKenney “giving Nikki Webster one” (Ick.), and Daryl Somers appearing in Cleo naked. I don’t know if they’re joking or not but I’m never buying Cleo again just in case.

20.29: Now they’re bantering about all three network’s programming failures over the last year. Guys, did no one remind you that tonight’s the night where Australian television is supposed to be celebrated - let’s not discuss Aussie Queer Eye.

20.31: Hee. Bec Cartwright opens the show with Blair McDonough. Eddie introduces her by reminding us all that she opened the Logies 2 years ago with a song from her mega successful singing career. God, I’d almost managed to cleanse my mind of the image of her dancing around the stage in an orange bomber jacket and capri pants. They’re presenting the Most Popular New Female Talent which goes to Natalie Blair who plays Carmella on Neighbours. Wow, I like her necklace. She is genuinely overwhelmed and freaks out in a fairly charming way. Charming, that is, until she pulls a Julia Roberts and goes on and on as “I’ll never get up here again!” Not after talking for five minutes, lady. Sling your hook.

20.36:  Time for Most Popular New Male Talent. Please don’t let Jason Smith win. Pleeeease….Yay! Chris Hemsworth from Home and Away wins and they show a publicity shot of him with his shirt off. Hurrah! He keeps it brief but reminds the crowd that “the stalker will be revealed this week!” If I actually watched Home and Away that would probably mean more to me.

20.39: Kathryn Morris, one of the international guests, contrasts The Logies with the Screen Actors Guild awards as everyone is “baked and slightly inappropriate”.

20.45: Erik Thomson, formerly of All Saints, presents with Kathryn Morris and they are forced to go through the always horrific “Oh, you’re American and so famous and we are not worthy” skit. It is kept mercifully short.

20.46: Well, it’s time for Most Popular Actor and I am madly hoping for a win for Beau Brady and a subsequent shit crack where he bounces his Logie off of Lleyton’s head and screams at him for stealing his fiancee. In a mild shock, the Logie goes to perennial Logie bridesmaid John Wood. The place goes nuts. “What can I say?” he asks, “Finally!” yell the crowd. He makes a dignified speech where he encourages the government to kick some money into the ABC. Ooh, that was even better than Beau throwing something at Lleyton’s head.

20.49: Most Popular Actress. C’mon Gina Riley. Beat out Bec…. DAMMIT. Bec Cartwright wins her first Logie. She kisses Lleyton and heads to the podium as we cuts to the fabulous Gina Riley laughing her head off and taking a stiff drink. I bet nominees love the moment when can go “Pressure’s off. I don’t have to get up those fucking stairs tonight. Time for a drink”. Bec thanks everyone she’s ever met but makes a special thanks to Lleyton and his family. I maturely make puking sounds.

20.50: Mario now performs “Let me love you” which is dull as all hell. I take this time to reflect on how Crown Casino have to be undergoing renovations at the moment as the theatre they’re holding the Logies in is miniscule. God, The X Factor has higher production values.

20.59: After the break, it’s time for the Logie for Most Outstanding Children’s Program which is being presented by Craig McLachlan and Natalie Bassingthwaite. Natalie plays Izzy, the wicked witch of Erinsborough and I adore her. The Logie goes to a show called Out There which comes as a shock to me as I thought High Five automatically won this every year.

21.04: Jules Lund is presenting with Kimberly Davies for Most Popular Australian Drama. I used to know Jules pretty well and he is charismatic and adorable. Bless! McLeod’s Daughters wins for the second year in a row. I send my McLeod’s obsessed friend a jokey text congratulating her and she replies immediately “You’re actually WATCHING the Logies? Do you have nothing better to do?” Um, no.

21.06: The McLeod’s crew are still speaking and I’m slowly losing the will to live. My initial enthusiasm has been dampened….ooh, Ian Thorpe coming up! We get to see The Hair again! Yes!

21.10: AHAHAA. Magda Subanski, in character as Sharon Streslecki, meets Ian Thorpe. She’s wearing a shiny disco tracksuit. She tries to give Thorpedo advice about how to be a better swimmer. It must be killing Magda Subanski not to make a crack about the dead skunk on his head.

21.13: Magda and Ian Thorpe present Most Popular Sports Program. She tries to show him a new backstroke technique and amusingly smacks him in the head. I wish she’d managed to hit the hair. I wonder if it would move. I’m sorry to keep on about Thorpedo’s hair but IT’S JUST THAT MESMIRISING.

21.17: The Footy Show: NRL wins the Logie. La la blah. Now it’s Most Outstanding Sports Coverage. Hee – one of the events nominated is The Athens Olympics and part of the clip shows Thorpey before The Skunk took up residence on top of his head. Do you think he’s been waiting all these years to finish swimming so he could die his hair that black? Excessive chlorine exposure would really mess with that sheen.

21.21: Bathurst coverage wins. Oh lord, we’re only an hour into this thing. Give me strength. Magda and Skunkhead do a bit where they plug Grease – The Arena Spectacular! And then Magda, still in character as Sharon, goes for in for a pash with Skunkhead. It’s one of the more disturbing things I’ve seen on television in a long time as, for some reason, the editor choose to cut the sound of the live audience reaction so there’s no laughter. Or maybe no-one laughed. I know I just sat agape waiting for the insanity to end. Happily, when they FINALLY pull apart, Magda has sufficiently messed up Skunkhead’s hair and he looks gratifyingly irritated. Hee!

21.28: Roy and HG! LOVE. This might revive me. They’re presenting Most Popular Lifestyle Program. All of the clips from the nominated shows have no sound and feature the respective presenters gesticulating wildly so they all look completely mental. Backyard Blitz win. Hmm, I haven’t seen Jamie Durie around for a while. Obviously the failure of The Block 2 is still resting firmly on his tiny shoulders.

21.34: Time for Keith Urban. Time for the mute button.

21.43: After a skit on SBS showing nude cricket, the three hosts come together again to pay homage to Daryl Somers. Ooh, now Todd McKenney and Nikki Webster are presenting a Logie together. The hosts try to make a big deal out of the incredible animosity and Todd and Nikki make a joke about burying Nikki the hatchet in Todd’s head. Oh, Nikki, please do it. I voted for you!

It’s time for Most Popular Overseas show which…. YES! Goes to The O.C. OOOH. Peter Gallagher has filmed the Thank You message. I adore Peter Gallagher. He has the most strokeable eyebrows known to mankind.

21.45: Claudia Karvan and the sexy Adam Rodriguez are up next to present Most Popular Light Entertainment program which has to go to Dancing with the Stars. Maybe now it’s time for Tom Williams to get his shirt off. Kath and Kim is up for the gong as well. And the Logie goes to….humph, Rove Live. For the fourth bloody year running. And Corrinne Grant seems to get skinnier every year.

21.50: Wow, Adam Rodriguez is seriously cute. He manages to look manly in a pink velvet jacket. That’s a remarkable feat.

21.55: HAHAAA. Ah! As part of Bec Cartwright’s Gold Logie package they not only show her awful performance from the 2003 Logies that I mentioned earlier but the scene where she “married” ex-fiancee Beau Brady on Home and Away. Evil!

21.57: Best reality television show goes to Australian Idol and Andrew G hops up and freaks out. Love him. He pashes his gorgeous girlfriend and I anticipate a message from Ames bitching about her television boyfriend pashing another woman. Andrew and James get up there with Casey Donavan, who cleans up very nicely, and act like naughty schoolboys. Love them. I’ve heard that Andrew and James think that new judge, Kyle Sandilands, is a complete tosser so my respect for them has grown even more.

21.58: Mmm, Tom Williams gets interviewed. I hear my housemate in the next room yelling “Take your shirt off!”.

22.00: Ooh, a preview of Grease – The Arena Spectacular! Man, they’re plugging this relentlessly tonight. Craig McLachlan’s Danny Zuko quiff is hilariously reminiscent of the Skunkhead.

22.05: Most Outstanding Documentary. This is the portion of the evening where I know I should really pay attention to the salute to smart, well-researched television but it’s suddenly becoming very hard to keep my eyes open. The Logie goes to The President vs David Hicks by SBS which was a startling and brilliant documentary.

22.10: I start playing Minesweeper as Dave Hughes comes on stage. More dead pope jokes. Hughesy warms up eventually and finishes up with a joke about wishing Courtney from Idol had eaten Anthony Callea. It worked better on screen.

22.15: Most Outstanding Comedy show. C’mon John Safran. Hee! They show the clip of a fatwa being issued on Rove. Oh man, that just never stops being funny. The Chaser Decides wins! The Chaser team say that the winner of Most Outstanding Comedy should have gone to Ian Thorpe’s hairdresser. I fall off my bed laughing.

22.22: Ah, John Wood’s Gold Logie reel. I’m rooting for him to take home the Gold Logie tonight. John Wood is to the Logies as Randy Newman was to the Oscars. Let’s just hope John Wood manages a better speech than “You didn’t have to do this just because you felt sorry for me.”

22.26: George Negus and Jana Wendt present an award and George makes a crack at Kim Beazley about how he’s feeling after seeing Peter Costello take leadership of the Liberal Party. Huh? George then says we’ll get it at about 3am. Jesus, if Costello is officially the leader of the Liberal party I will certainly be waking up at 3am, eyes wide open and screaming.

22.30: Huh. Anthony Callea is singing The Prayer while everyone takes a moment to contemplate lives lost in the Boxing Day Tsunami tragedy. I like the sentiment but this is eerily reminiscent of The X Factor contestants singing Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah in a “very special” Anzac Day tribute on Monday.

22.37: The three presenters get together again to present the silver Logie for Most Popular Television Presenter which is an odd choice as Andrew and Rove are both nominated. Rove takes it out and Andrew “hilariously” pretends to beat him up. Hmm, now three out of five Gold Logie nominees have received a Silver Logie. Oh, the tension! Who will win? I can hardly wait!

22.40: Hall of Fame time. As every Hall of Fame recipient is shown in a montage there is the sound of one person clapping. It’s quite bizarre. Obviously everyone else in the auditorium has snuck out for a fag.

22.41: Neighbours is inducted into the Hall of Fame for their work in discovering a wealth of Australian talent. Ian Smith (aka Harold Bishop) comes onto the stage in a white top hat and tails and launches a bizarre dance routine where Neighbours cast members past and present dressed in white sing the Neighbours theme to the tune of All That Jazz. I’m typing this as I watch and am trying to come to terms with watching what is the most hideously fascinating thing I have ever seen on television. Can you imagine the conversation that prompted that?

“Well, the theme is ‘All white on the night’ so let’s dress everyone up in something white and tight and have them prance around the stage like lunatics. I think that’s the classiest way to induct the show into the Hall of Fame, don’t you?”

22.46: That was incredible. I need a drink.

22.49: Oh, thank god. We’re up to Most Outstanding Actor which means, AT LAST, the end is in sight. Sam Neill wins Most Outstanding Actor for Jessica. Excellent.

22.55: Ahh, Lisa Chappell and Aaron Jeffrey are out to present Most Outstanding Miniseries/Telemovie. I suddenly picture my McLeod’s loving friends waving their handkerchiefs at the screen upon seeing Claire and Alex reunited. Jessica wins the Logie.

23.02: More Maybelline product placement. In a stunning surprise (NOT), Bec Cartwright wins Best Dressed. She babbles on relentlessly but Lleyton surprisingly endears himself to me madly when responding to Eddie asking him how he got in filming his cameo on Home and Away by saying “Better than Collingwood right now, mate”. Hee!

23.05: The divine Sigrid Thornton comes out to Present Most Outstanding Actress. Oh, we’re really on the home run now! Miranda Otto takes the Logie for In Her Eyes. She’s in Sydney and accepts the award via satellite.

23.10: Oh CRAP. Still have Michael Buble’s performance to go. I like him but I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. And Il Devo? Stupid international guests.

23.15: Oh, Vince Colosimo is out to present the Silver Logie for Most Outstanding Drama. I’m suddenly awake again. Foxtel’s Love My Way wins which means Alex and Rex will be reunited on the Logie stage. I’m not sad, really.

23.20: Ooh, Steve Bracks and Kim Beazley are interviewed by Rove. Bracks tries to make spin about how exciting it is to have a multiple Logie winner (Rove) who has defected from WA to live in Victoria. Rove then asks Beazley why there are no members of the Liberal party attending the Logies and he remarks that it’s very scary for Liberals to be around creative people. Hee! The Beaze then pledges to make Question Time a Logie winner if he gets elected. Dream big, Kim. Dream big.

23.23: Il Devo are singing My Way in Italian. I don’t get it. More Minesweeper.

23.26: “Coming up next: The Gold Logie!” Oh, thank Christ.

23.30: Eddie interviews Rove and asks him with only a slight hint of bitterness how it feels to be sitting with two Silver Logies and waiting to find out if you’re about to win Gold. Hee! Suck shit, McGuire. God, I’m getting seriously grumpy now. Andrew and Eddie work round the remaining Gold Logie nominees. Bec Cartwright mumbles her way through her interview and swears twice that she’s “sh’not drunk, it’s just orange juice”. I’d be drinking if I was heading home with Lleyton too, lady. Georgie Parker, like me, celebrates the fact that the night is almost over. Bridie Carter says she has to feed her child soon and pointedly looks at her watch. PEOPLE, take the hint. This show is TOO LONG.

23.34: Sam Neill to present the Gold Logie. Where’s Bert Newton? Did he demand a ridiculous fee again?

Sam Neill’s speech: “Five amazing actors….blah…exceptonial achivemnet….blah blah…democracy blah blah, if everything goes right in Iraq, maybe they’ll have their own Logies one day.” Bwah!

23.37: Here we go. John! John! John! Oh GOD. Rove AGAIN? Aw, Belinda looks thrilled and he looks awestruck. That’s sweet. Obviously Rove is continuing to touch the hearts of TV Week readers everywhere with his plea to “say Hi to your Mum for me” at the end of each week.

Rove finished up by freaking out as he got told to wind it up: “Does this mean they’re going to edit this out. Well then, this is fucking great!” GOLD!

Buble is still to come but it’s been a long night and I need sleep. I’m going to post this unedited and regret it tomorrow morning. Say hi to your Mum for me!

(If I mention doing this next year, please, for the love of god, stop me).

Comments

[Tom]

Sterling work as always, my sweet. Sounds like Safran shouldn't have taken the fatwa off Rove's head after all. I love living in the UK - means that I can hate Bec Cartwright and not even have to know who she is. The dead skunk sounds intriguing too.

[tracey]

i think bec cartwright is a stupid whore slut cos she broke beau bradys heart(she never deserved him)and lyleton hewwitt is a loser and cant even play tennis.